**2013 DC BeerMile Trash Aug 9 2013 **
Awesome August Friday weather meant that hash-gods were smiling on half-branes as they assembled for the once-a-year hash sanctioned r*ce. Many hit the pre-lube at Duffys where registration and drinking warm up began and reigning record holder AssSpelunker was assigned the coveted #1 bib.
At 6:30 action moved over to a little tucked away track where early-birds had staked out prime bleacher seats for the sh*t show that would soon ensue. Shiggy at the beermile? Hells yes ... had to climb thru a construction site to access our venue ... thank you DC. Registration, check; 6 cold beers, check; find the beerzone, check; some sort of vessels; check. That means you're ready!
There was a quick 6:59 course briefing: drink all your beer here, run four laps there -- easy enuf right? After encouraging Mrs Murphy to put it in their mouths, she did and off they went right at 7PM. Depsite the typical chaos, somehow the completion times were mo/less noted, as well as some spectacular action over in the vomitorium. 37 wankers competed ... 6 sexy hariettes and 31 dudes representing all the DC kennels plus a few pathetically homeless.
Interrupting the post-race glow, DaisyChain started blowing like crazy and that got everyones attention for the hash circle/awards ceremony. She had some absolutely lovely awards given to the first three harriettes: #1 MrHead, #2 MindTheGap and #3 DildoShaggins. And of course nothing like a pint full of lager make them go down and down they did munching all over the track lawn ... Next three dudes who also drank-ran fast were summoned: #1 WhiskeyBizness, #2 Yulelog and #3 Rape&Spillage. Don't remember if they got awards or not .. but two had the cutest matching outfits.
Next order of biz was vominations from the crowd for best hurl: WizBiz, MrHead, TwikleTwinkleLittleCock, Gladiator, SorestRump, AssSpelunker, WaxOnWacksOff and some newbie JustBea all came forward with vivid discription of their puke ... in the end JustBea (underage!) won for landing hers right on TitKaBoob's boob! Nex there was a costume contest .. SorestRump, MrHead, Twinkle and YOCO got nominated ... YouOnlyComeOnce won for the most awesome witch costume ... There were move violations, singing, yapping, drinking and then we cleaned up all the sh*t for another year and went over to Nellies to celebrate with appletinis.
If you have a problem with any of the times below .. well let me know and I'll call you a waaaaaaaaambulance. If anyone's got a good pic or two send'em my way and I'll post them up here. oNoN to training for next year.
PIO
Bib# Name Kennel Sex PitCrew Beer Time 1 Asspelunker DCH4 GQ LateNight Miller 737 2 S&Mmom EWH3 GQ GlittyClittyGangBang LittleYellowPils 940 3 JustSean homeless M ? Sierra
Nevada 958 4 YOCO WH4 F LegendofSpitorSwallow Coors 2630 5 JustDave homeless M ? ShockTop 1519 6 SpecialRed WH4 M ? Fosters 1849 8 UnoDosTres-LiftOff EWH3 F DontAskDontSmell Miller
Lite DNF 9 PulpFriction EWH3 M ? Bud
Lite 730 10 JustNick homeless M ? Bud
Lite 2123 11 CockaThong WH4 F ? Ice
House 1805 12 Rape&Spillage EWH3 M JustMatt Miller
Lite 650
#3M 13 JustChris homeless M JustAbby Michelob
Ultra 1332 14 MagicJohnson EWH3 M JustKate PBR 1300 15 WaxOnWacksOff EWH3 M JustBea CoorsLite 1855 16 SorestRump EWH3 M ? Labats 1827 17 SpewMeFather DCH4 M ? Bud
Lite 1529 18 JewCocka EWH3 M RedWhite&Poo Natty
Bo 949 19 RedEyedVagina WH4 M JustLibby Miller
Lite 944 20 SpecialHeadForces HBH3 M ? Hornsby 1021 21 SourSnatchMyRubberBack HBH3 F ? Hornsby 2500 22 Gladiator OTH M ? Miller
Lite 1609 23 TurdetteSyndrome EWH3 M ChippenFailz Guiness 1226 24 MisterRobuttO EWH3 M ChippenFailz Guiness 1135 25 AssOgre OTH M PUmp Coors 1232 26 JustDave OTH M JustMara Coors 1556 27 TwinkleTwinkleLittleCock EWH3 M 1ifByMan2ifByShe Natty
Lite 856 28 MindTheGap OTH F 3Holer Bud
Lite 1457
#2F 29 ShimJob DCH3 M BlowWhite Yuengalingaling 1508 30 BeenInPulledOut EWH3 M UsuckMyBattleDick PBR 958 31 MisterHead EWH3 F ? Bud 1131
#1F 32 YuleHog EWH3 M ? Busch 648
#2M 33 UnObtainium EWH3 M ? ? 1050 34 DildoShaggins WH4 F ? Coors
Lite 1502 35 WhiskeyBizness EWH3 GQ ? ? 646
#1M 36 HornBlower WH4 M ? ? 1314 37 SchweinkenDick DCH3 M ? MillerLite 1022 38 FacialProfiling EWH3 M ? ? 2200
THE DC BEER MILE: So once upon a time a wayward wanker * from the Sir Walter Raleigh's hash down down in Carolina came to Warshington with this great idea of running a mile and drinking a six pack ... you'd have thunk he was the smartest hasher ever! So he picked a discreet little high school track out in Maryland and invited all his hash pals over for a little competetive drinking/running fun. Well that was it ... every year since DC has hosted what clearly is one of the largest beer mile r*ces in the world. (* name redacted to protect the innocent, but rhymes with wevil bjesus).
Sure you can run to beermile.com and see all the college track kids (all 7 or 15 of them -- half DNF) playing by their "Kingston Rules" but here in the world of hashing it's the extreme shotgun format. The difference? Kingston says drink one dainty 12 oz beer every lap from the can -- a mere 4 beers. The hash says f-that ... you need to drink a full six pack (extreme) and we don't care how it get's in ya (shotgun). By the way "shotgunning" and "beer bonging" have yet to prove a winning strategy, but never know ... this could be your year!
This once a year feat of hash r*cism moves around to different places .... who knows where it will be held this year. But you can bet it will be a proper 1/4 mile track with a pre-lube (not safe to slam six beers without one or two warm-ups first) and an on-on where you can try to sober up by drinking at a slightly slower pace.
It's the second Friday in August at 7PM sharp -- if you arrive at 7:05 you'll be able to watch the leader on the final lap! Follow your favorite hash media outlet to to learn what metro to get yourself to.
DC BEER MILE "EXTREME SHOTGUN" RULES:
RECORDS AND STUFF: there's a real problem with BMile history ... anyone who participates winds up with very poor memories of the evening. Nevertheless it's been done a bunch of years. Here's some of what is known:
IF we learn more it may be posted here sometime in the future ... oNoN.