Perhaps it was a bad idea to come to work today.

Why?
Because, as my friend Cathy Hall pointed out to someone in a CHURCH
on Saturday night, on Sunday I was doing the Marine Corps.

As my other friend Don pointed out to the stun-founded  looking man,
I was doing the Marathon Corps MARATHON, not the Marine Corps (so to
speak).   But I think Cathy was right. I did the Marine Corps. ALL of
them. All 172,000 , give or take 5, of them. All in 4 hours, 47
minutes and 33 seconds.

You think I am lying. I am not. How do you know I am not lying?
Because, as my friend Linda and I agreed, I lost my uterus somewhere
around 165,000. She lost hers about mile 18. Today I had to actually
get up from my desk. I held it off for as long as possible. I was
bouncing, squinting , groaning and holding back as much as I could.
But eventually I just had to go pee. So after my ten minutes of
trying to figure out how the hell I was going to get out of my chair
with wheels on it, I tried walking down the hall. It's kind of a
cross between a lunge and a grope for something to hang onto, then
drag the left foot behind because I don't want to actually use my
thigh muscles for ANY REASON AT ALL. Which makes peeing an
interesting thing when one is a girl and cannot stand up. Now let's
talk about that experience.
After 20 minutes I made it through the warehouse and to the bathroom.
My first mistake was coming to work. My second mistake was choosing
the non handicapped stall. Well, I unzipped my jeans and pulled them
down and then decided that I had to either sit on a public toilet
seat and possibly break the damn seat with the thud from falling, OR
I had to try to do the right thing any woman does on a  public
toilet – squat. Ok, squatting was the third mistake. Since it wasn't
the handicapped stall there were no hand rails. And I am not tall
enough to hang onto to the top of the stall and still squat properly.
So I held onto the toilet paper holder. That was ok until I actually
got into squat position. I gave birth and it felt better than this.
This was so painful that I saw stars. The next thing I know, I hear
this weird sound like when the dog pees on the carpet. When you pee
in the toilet it makes kind of a water-coming-from-a-faucet type of
sound. This wasn't what I was hearing,  I look down and pee is
shooting out from between the toilet seat and the rim. Wow, I think.
How in the HELL did that happen? I can only imagine it's because I
lost my uterus. Without a uterus, my bladder sank and it just
shooting pee out where ever it can find a way to go. Well, where
exactly is it going after it leaves the rim?  I look and see that the
outside back of my jeans are very, very wet. My fourth mistake was
not being able to bend over enough to bring my pants down below my
knees.  Because I did the Marine Corps yesterday. All 172,000 of
them. Give or take 5.

And what an experience that was. The day started off pretty perfectly
but then it went down hill pretty perfectly as well. We got downtown
at about 7amish and walked over to the Iwo Jima  for that start of
the marathon. It's bright and sunny and going to be a good running
day. I am trying not to get too nervous about this being my first
marathon, my goal is to just finish. Well, we all line up in a
fashion not unlike cattle on my grandpa's dairy farm. All nose to
ass. Being height deficient, I was just hoping the folks in front of
me didn't have too much to eat for breakfast. We finally hear the
cannon go off and we get to the start 12 minutes later.  I am running
with Kitty "Crash Test Dummy" and Linda "Mother Pucker Peter Puffer".
We ran the first 2 miles together and I kept getting a little ahead
and they said to just go ahead so I did. I was feeling pretty damn
good, too. The sun was shining, your running well, and lots of good
looking guy-booties to behold.  Man candy. Yum. We're in Crystal City
and the smells of breakfast sure smell great. Lots of people cheering
us on which is AOK. Lots of great signs, with "RUN (name) RUN" , you
know- Forrest Gumpish, being the most prominent sign. Ok, I can deal
with that. It's cute. For now.  Then we are running through the
Pentagon parking lot and it kind of is like a maze. First one way
this way, then turn around and go this way. I start to think we are
going to finish the race just by running around the parking lot. If I
stay here long enough I could meet the hash in 2 weeks when they
start here on the Nov 10th.  After awhile we finally leave the
parking lot and get back on the road.
 
 

I never even look up because right now I just cannot imagine looking
at the destruction and trying to concentrate at the same time. So I
keep moving and soon enough more "RUN  name RUN" signs. Great. Try to
be a little more original. Then we get  Roslyn and  make a hard right
turn to go over the Key Bridge. People – HELLO, runners here. Please
get out of the way and off the street. Thank You. What a beautiful
sight running across the Key Bridge. Then I look to left and realize
the Exorcist steps are here. Great. Omens. Signs. Hoodoo Voodoo. I
believe the  Exorcist Steps are NOT a good sign. Unless your name is
Damien.
Well, we turn right on M street and into Georgetown.  It was cool to
do a little window shopping while running. Then we make another hard
right and then a hard left. An older couple is on the corner trying
to cross the street. He has  a beautiful purple cake in his arms and
the woman us trying to look for an opening in the sea of people so
they can cross. Good Luck Honey. Well, at this point is the first
real hill. It sucks. But I run up the hill anyhow. Then I think I
blacked out from the sheer effort. Next thing I remember is about
mile 10 and going up Rock Creek Parkway (at least that's what I think
it is). It's cool though because the street is divided and  we are on
the right and the faster runners on the left. I look up and see Full
Metal Balls and he see me! We do the hi-5 and then I see Yes Dear and
then Well Drilled. The 3 Muskateers! Then I look and see their
mileage marker- 13. Then I think Bastards. Who likes them anyway?
Well, we run and at this water check I decide time for goo. I grab a
great big cup and take the goo and THINK I have grabbed some water.
What in the hell kind of swill is that? Oh My God. My stomach thinks
it's piss and tries very hard to eliminate what has just entered it.
I plead with it and make deals with it and I win this round. So I get
started running again  and up comes the turn around and I hear "DUAL
AIRBAGS" I didn't write my name on my shirt so it must be someone I
know and it's KRAFTY.  I smile , ok attempt to smile and move along.
Wow, it's been so long since a man screamed out my name like that
that I blacked out. I came too. No, I mean I woke up somewhere about
mile 16. Right about then I looked up and saw that f*ing stupid
sign, "RUN name RUN". Jesus, Joseph and Mary, be original will you?
You and 50,000 other stupid people have that stupid sign. Give me an
f*ing break will ya? Mile 17 is another water stop. I better take
some more goo because all of a sudden I feel tired. So I goo again,
get some more of the pink swill and then that's when I had my first
vision. And it wasn't good.  I look up and all I see before my eyes
are the Exorcist steps descending straight down.  And they ain't no
escalating steps either. I see fire, I see steam, I see darkness and
as I peer further into the darkness I see the Long 2 trail masters
from Austin Interhash sitting there with their black capes and  demon
horns and smiling at me. And they have friends. Throbbing Member,
Because He Can and French Toasted all have bags of flour and are
smiling their evil little smiles. Waiting for me.  Oh God. Bad
joojoo. Way bad joojoo. My stomach then says to me, "You put one more
thing in here and we will go down those stairs, you got me?" "Yes" I
say. I got you. Loud and Clear. Roger that. Over and out.
Mile 18 brings my friend Rose "The Butt Stops Here". She steps in and
is going to help me run the last 8 miles. I think I am in love. I
love her. I don't want to limit myself to 50% anymore. Black Box has
a new man and I am in love with a new woman now. Rose, what a
beautiful name. I think I will rename Alec to Rose. Alec Rose. Has
nice ring to it doesn't it?
We run along chatting nicely – she is running NYC marathon next week.
Uh huh, I think. Anyone that wants to do a marathon is crazy. I was
forced into it. Then that stupid bitch Dual Floppies dropped out. A
minor pain in her hip. I'll kick her ass and she will forget about
the pain in her  hip.
Mile 19 passes and my legs have decided they hate me too. I hear them
telling my stomach to make me go down the steps in my vision - put
every other part of my body in hell – not just my legs. My stomach
tells my legs to shut up then I noticed a particular feminine
itching.  Ok, what the hell is that? I look down and my uterus is
just dangling there. Oh Jeez, how do I fix this? I look around me and
no one else has noticed it. I just do a little kind of wiggle and the
itch is gone. It's gone because my uterus went rolling off the side
and down some gutter. Great. We keep running. Rose tells me only 6
more miles to go. 6 more miles? Where the hell is the beer check? The
hash should be out here somewhere. I see the hash flag and damn near
run into Great Balls of Fire. He doesn't even recognize me. I
say "Hi" as we pass and then  it comes to him and I hear "DUAL
AIRBAGS IS HERE". I then see $50 Bitch and bitch is right. She hands
me a beer and says, "Don't drink it all , it's for Mike." I don't
give a crap about Mike! I'm ahead of Mike! Screw Mike- give me that
beer!!! Then I think, wait a sec. This woman is doing an Ironman in a
few weeks. She could smash me like a rotten pumpkin and so I say to
her, "Ok, I will just take a sip, thanks". Then my real friend
Hawiian Puke hands me a beer and I smile at Milk Money and Byte Me
Elmo and grab my beer and
 

off we go.  Mile 22 ish comes around and I see my son  Alec Rose with
his dad.
 They made a sign for me – RUN DUALS RUN!!!!!!!  I cry. I kiss my son
and give him a big hug.
 Then we take off, again. We are soon in pre-hell, the 14th street
bridge.  Somebody just shoot me now. I begin to think that just a
small jump over the side is not a bad idea. You might even actually
fly for a few seconds. You cannot see the end of this thing. It's
like a long hallway in a bad nightmare – it keeps getting longer and
longer. After an hour on the bridge we finally make it down and what
do I see? The OTH4 beer check. I love these people. They have beer –
all for me and I don't have to share. They take our picture  and they
give me some gatorade then they tell me to get going. Hmph. I no
longer like them. Rose says 2 more miles. You can take your 2miles
and politely shove them right where the sun doesn't shine.  I think
that I have run at least another mile and it's only been half a mile.
Oh Dear Lord I can't make it. Then I try one more time. My legs
actually cooperate and I round a corner and what do I see? An f*ing
hill. What the HELL is this crap? A Hill? What moron did this? You
have got to be kidding. Everyone is screaming "YOU ARE ALMOST THERE!"
Everyone except the marathoners. Why? Because they know that at this
point all you want to do is smash the face in of every person
screaming "you are almost there".
Shut the hell up! You want to trade places pal? Tell me I'm almost
there. I'll show you almost there.  Then we get to the top and more
people still screaming you are almost there. Where is the end? I keep
running and running and running and we keep seeing no end. Then I see
it. Holy Cow. I made it. My uterus didn't make it but I did. I told
the marine that I loved him as he put the medal on my neck. He told
me he knew. He was a beautiful man that marine.

So today coming to work was a bad idea. As I sit here and search
through the lost and found ads for lost uterus's, I am hoping that I
will never have to pee again. Ever. In life. I am giving it up for
Lent early.
 

On On
Dual Airbags