How to reclaim your virginity?
By Lick It Off, Baby (AKA Lizbert)

At the On-On-On of last Saturday's run, four Harriettes (No Class, Spread Sheets, Rutro, and myself) found ourselves in a discussion about sex... well, really a discussion of the absence of sex. One of us made the comment that after a certain amount of time without sex you can reclaim your virginity. This confused many of our Harrier friends, but really it's quite simple.

The main criteria for reinstatement of one's virginity is two years without sex. Now if everyone in the hash had sex (with someone else... No! your right hand doesn't count) as much as they talked about it, none of us would be virgins. Alas, this is not the case. Most of us who have been through a dry spell, sexually speaking, know that once you go for two years without, you are essentially a virgin. It's not that we forget what to do, mind you, it's just... well, it's been SO long that all previous experience just ceases to count. It just does. Want to determine if you are a virgin? Count back the months or years that it has been since you last had sex: pure unadulterated (heh) sex. If the amount of time is two years or more, then you have reclaimed your virginity. Think of it as a clock (a virginity timer if you will) that counts down to the magical two year mark. It's probably better that hashers don't have sex, seeing as there is an endless supply of half-minds, but I digress.

For the confused, and for those women who are looking to regain what was once lost here is a list of what is allowed and what is not when attempting to "reclaim your virginity." (Though now that I think about it, more often than not, we don't willingly TRY to regain our lost virtue; it's more a matter of bad luck. Maybe that's why they call it: getting lucky)

Definitely Allowed (encouraged even)

1. Kissing. Any lip to lip contact, French or otherwise. Really any lip to body part is good.
2. Touching. Yes, please. I think I can speak for some women when I say: Yeah, we like that.
3. Orgasms. What, are we supposed to be saints, here? I think not. Any orgasm, self-inflicted or battery powered are allowed. Nimble use of fingers (yours or someone else's) is definitely allowed.
4. Blow-up dolls. Now, wouldn't you know, the guys brought this one up. If there is such a thing as an anatomically correct male blow-up doll then let me know. Do vacant/blond males count as blow up dolls?
5. Oral Sex (giving) - Head?! Who said head?

Definitely Not Allowed (but not discouraged)

1. One night stands, drunk or otherwise. Penetration restarts the virginity clock, so better be sober rather than drunk; at least that way you get to remember that the drought is over.
2. Buddy/pity sex. Penetration restarts the virginity clock.

Gray Area

1. Oral Sex (receiving). My personal opinion is this is allowed under the 2 year virginity rule. (To be honest I can't remember where the 'Ho triad landed on this one, so please correct me if I'm wrong ladies.) The longer you go without sex, the more allowable this option gets. Once you hit the 3 or 4 year marks, this option becomes mandatory.
2. Sex with animals. Yes, I know, bestiality's best boy, but if you have or are contemplating sinking to this level then you have other issues greater than your virginity.

There you have it. Simple, right? Any corrections, additions or related questions can be mailed to LIO,B.

On-On!

Wet N' Wild's response

Hey LIO'B, Was just visiting the MVH3 website 'cause I herd about "Ax Dem Ho's." Very funny! I'd like to add something as a Mount Vernon Hash 'Ho in absentia, if I may. It has to do with the proper spelling and use of the word that describes that little barrier thingie that makes a 'ho a virgin. Lots of people think it's called a "hymen," however, this is a popular misconception...the actual correct spelling is "Hi-Men!" People also think the "hymen" is where it is a sort of "badge of virginity honor." Once again, this is an "Old Wive's Tale," probably because the old wives don't want their husbands going after any young thangs. The real role of a "Hi-Men!" is sort of like that of a restaurant hostess, or greeter. The "Hi-Men!" is there to give a friendly "Come On In!" wave to anyone lucky enough to get to the door. You see the other body parts are sort of like the "door men, bouncer types" at those exclusive nightclubs which only let certain individuals in. I hope this clears up certain biological misconceptions that anyone might have had. Please don't ever hesitate to ax me about any kind of 'ho question -- I must confess I consider myself a bit of a (s)expert!

Luv, Wet & Wild